Just Say No

I feel like I periodically have this conversation with the internet, myself, my dog… and for a time things will improve but then sure as God made Little Green Apples – things every so slowly fall back into old habits and I find myself confused and stressed and…

PISSED.

Saying No is one of the hardest things for me.  It’s probably one of the hardest things for lots of people, I get that.  I can rationalize it (the “busy-ness”…) about seventy-six thousand ways and convince myself that it’s just the way it is.

But – that’s not acceptable.  Because my priority has to be me – my kids, my husband, my life, my health, my passions.  I am not passionate about cardboard fundraising boxes.  So NOT PASSIONATE about that.

There are 800 kids at my kids elementary school and about 10 consistent volunteers.  It’s similar at Matthew’s middle school.  It’s very easy to feel guilt and obligation when there are very few hands to help very Awesome People trying to do super amazing things for kids.

I am VP of fundraising at the Elementary school, and president of Boosters at the Middle school.  I also chair cultural arts for the Middle school and lead a small group with regard to communication processes.  I am treasurer for both kids club soccer teams. 

None of those things on their own are a really big deal.  Maybe one or two are more time intense – but honestly none of it is that overwhelming on it’s own. 

All of them though?  That sucks.  And it’s not like it was a plan I had in mind to go do all this stuff – it’s back doors and side conversations and BOOM – done.  It’s not intentional and I get no jollies on writing all that stuff above down – in fact it makes my stomach turn. 

The angel on one shoulder says that I am making a difference to so many kids – helping to drive programs and money that enrich their school life. 

The devil on the other shoulder is screaming WHO THE HELL CARES???  At WHAT COST?  You run around like a freak show, living in that stupid van for hours at a time!  For WHAT??!  You miss time with your own children in your own house making memories with THEM.  The ones that actually LOVE YOU.

“Angel” pipes back up YOU ARE DOING THIS because nobody else will, and it is great for your kids to see you involved and passionate and supporting your school!

And then I am stuck between these two places. 

I had a great catch up chat with one of my best friends this morning and as per usual she has the most amazing way of bringing clarity to my life.  Her wisdom and un-wavering support of any small move I make (like not going to Canada after Christmas so we can just relax as a family…???  Sorry Canada…. (why do I apologize??!) ) makes her do cartwheels – which builds my confidence level around being able to process and pull back on some of these things. 

See I think my not saying No is directly tied to my Needing You to Think I am Worthy of Whatever.  (ugh – playing therapist to myself is not fun.) 

Is it the oldest child thing?  Divorced parents thing?  What drives me into this corner so regularly?

And how to I trade the box for a bubble??!

Also – I just deleted all the signupgenius time slots I had stuck myself into for the rest of the year. 

And it feels good.

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