Just Say No

I feel like I periodically have this conversation with the internet, myself, my dog… and for a time things will improve but then sure as God made Little Green Apples – things every so slowly fall back into old habits and I find myself confused and stressed and…

PISSED.

Saying No is one of the hardest things for me.  It’s probably one of the hardest things for lots of people, I get that.  I can rationalize it (the “busy-ness”…) about seventy-six thousand ways and convince myself that it’s just the way it is.

But – that’s not acceptable.  Because my priority has to be me – my kids, my husband, my life, my health, my passions.  I am not passionate about cardboard fundraising boxes.  So NOT PASSIONATE about that.

There are 800 kids at my kids elementary school and about 10 consistent volunteers.  It’s similar at Matthew’s middle school.  It’s very easy to feel guilt and obligation when there are very few hands to help very Awesome People trying to do super amazing things for kids.

I am VP of fundraising at the Elementary school, and president of Boosters at the Middle school.  I also chair cultural arts for the Middle school and lead a small group with regard to communication processes.  I am treasurer for both kids club soccer teams. 

None of those things on their own are a really big deal.  Maybe one or two are more time intense – but honestly none of it is that overwhelming on it’s own. 

All of them though?  That sucks.  And it’s not like it was a plan I had in mind to go do all this stuff – it’s back doors and side conversations and BOOM – done.  It’s not intentional and I get no jollies on writing all that stuff above down – in fact it makes my stomach turn. 

The angel on one shoulder says that I am making a difference to so many kids – helping to drive programs and money that enrich their school life. 

The devil on the other shoulder is screaming WHO THE HELL CARES???  At WHAT COST?  You run around like a freak show, living in that stupid van for hours at a time!  For WHAT??!  You miss time with your own children in your own house making memories with THEM.  The ones that actually LOVE YOU.

“Angel” pipes back up YOU ARE DOING THIS because nobody else will, and it is great for your kids to see you involved and passionate and supporting your school!

And then I am stuck between these two places. 

I had a great catch up chat with one of my best friends this morning and as per usual she has the most amazing way of bringing clarity to my life.  Her wisdom and un-wavering support of any small move I make (like not going to Canada after Christmas so we can just relax as a family…???  Sorry Canada…. (why do I apologize??!) ) makes her do cartwheels – which builds my confidence level around being able to process and pull back on some of these things. 

See I think my not saying No is directly tied to my Needing You to Think I am Worthy of Whatever.  (ugh – playing therapist to myself is not fun.) 

Is it the oldest child thing?  Divorced parents thing?  What drives me into this corner so regularly?

And how to I trade the box for a bubble??!

Also – I just deleted all the signupgenius time slots I had stuck myself into for the rest of the year. 

And it feels good.

Advertisements

Runnergirl

I know comparisons are generally negative, counterproductive and useless.

But RIGHT ON.

How I Serve…

Image

So…

I just won a ticket to dream.

Four-Ohhhhhhh

So.  
Forty.
Still breathing!  Super happy.  Lots going on.  Great job.  Amazing Family.  Healthy.  Moments of craziness – but that’s ok.  Mellowed.  Less absolute.  More grey.  Bigger laughs.  Longer hair!  Wisdom.  Big dreams.  Less worried.  Becoming more patient.  
Work in Progress.
Cheers!

lots of noise in this shot.  I still haven’t mastered Camera+ settings…

It snowed on my birthday!!!

Ken and Kelly put together a beautiful celebration for my birthday on Feb 25… great friends, visiting, it was classy and calm and seriously awesome.  🙂

BEST CAKE EVER.  SugarMama in Holly Springs = AMAZING.

My sweet, defiant little lady.  Love her!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Thirty Nine!!!!

We spent the weekend away with Kelly, Dick, Cullen and Lily in the NC Mountains near Boone.  Rented the BEST HOUSE EVER.  Love!!

Hiked Rough Ridge (fav!) on Saturday and then did some shopping (as in for ME!  YAY!  New pants!  Smaller size!  Whoo hoo!!)…  Followed by a fantastic dinner and too much wine!  🙂  It was so great!

Sunday we did a new trail (Boone Fork, it was just OK…) and the weather was cooler and a little more overcast.  The kids played Wii sports for hours in the eveing – it was definitely lower key!

Just a few pics to share…

love, love this picture!!

The four amigos…

This is near the start of Boone Fork trail.

This is Lily’s personality in one picture!!

About 2/3 of the way up Rough Ridge… it was bloody windy – we were scared they would blow off!!!

*This* is what we mean by trail hiking…

Lotso kids!

Happy couple… Kelly and Dick.
How to zone out with streaming netflix (and pick your nose…)

The dads!!
just taking in the view! 

How on earth did this boy become a man so quickly?  10 years we’ve known him now…

Sisters (almost…)

Laura’s idea…

I immediately loved (and then panicked about…) Laura’s post a few weels ago about trying to get in front of the camera more, rather than behind it.

I hate pictures of me. My eyes are weird.

So – I am going to try to participate in her challenge as a way of learning to be more accepting of myself.

Riiigght.

Anyway – here is a picture of Emerson and I from last weekend that I messed around with in lightroom.  I don’t hate this of me – which is saying a lot.  I really struggle with where to look when Ken is taking pictures and when I over think it or try really hard to look in the right place, that’s when my eyes get really effed up.  It jumps right off the image to me – it’s the only thing I see.  When he happens to just catch me off guard – those are the best shots – even if they aren’t technically perfect.  They are the ones I don’t mind because you can’t notice the cross eyes (as much!).

Oh – and I adore Emerson.  🙂  She’s my sweet pea.

Previous Older Entries